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July 31st, 2006

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December 25th, 2005

11:43 pm - Letter I wrote to Mike, his response, and the explanation. Hey lovely. Miss you. Miss you more than anything imaginable. Miss you more than the sun misses the moon; the two never being able to see each other unless they look through the massive earth between them. The only obstacle in their way. Dirt. Lots of fucking dirt and yet it's so hard to get through. I miss you baby. No doubt in my mind will ever erase that. I feel empty without your thick, hard, throbbing cock in me. I miss your kiss. The way my body shivers when I first get to kiss your beautiful, powerful, and completely tender lips after so long of being away from them. You are everything that this psychotic child needs. A man, a friend, a lover, my Pittbull, my future children's father. All the bloodied earth in our way couldn't keep me from you. I'll blast it away with the slightest of effort and smile when I see you on the other side standing patiently. It may not seem like it, but I would rip any body apart that crossed you. I'm only moving forward so we can meet in the middle. I miss you baby. I see your picture and the slightest of a smile crosses my lips and I remember how you hold me when we fall asleep. No matter how we toss and turn, we're always touching, keeping each other safe from the darkness. This is probably a lot to read and you're most likely an inch from sleep, but know that I love you with every inch of my waiting body. I can barely contain how badly I want you to hold me against you. I know you can't either. Just think of one thing baby. I always think of everything leading up to you comming in me because that's the moment the world goes quiet. Thats the moment when we're the only ones moving, though we can barely breath. I love you, I miss you. I can't wait to be near you, baby. ---Your baby girl. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ I miss you and love you and I want to hold you and I can't wait to see you again and when I do I shall do many things but until then please hold on and wait till I get there so I can help you and you can help me so I shall call you and talk to you for a little bit ok just please hold on ok love you and I miss you a lot and I can't wait to be with you ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Mike was rushed when he wrote that. We got in a bit of an argument before he hung up on me so I called the place he's staying at twice in a short amount of time to make sure he read what I wrote. I wrote it earlier today but I stand by every word perminantly. Mike's an mine relationship is a long distance one where neither of us have a car or license. He got kicked out of his house where the people living there stole from me so now I don't want to go back, and my mother hates him pationately and has banned him from coming inside the appartment. So our relationship is a bit rocky now but my love for him has never wavered. He's the only one I wouldn't run from in the heat of frustration and sorrow. I've left men for much smaller reasons but I couldn't think of functioning without my Pittbull. He means more to me than any thing I could ever imagine and everything I coudln't. I love him. Simple as that. And I wouldn't leave him for the world. Current Mood: Miss my Mike

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August 2nd, 2005

07:01 pm - IT'S JACKSON!!!

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06:55 pm - We'll see what happens now... You know if U don't want to be my friend tell me. I'll give ur belt to johnny to give ot mike then and u can give him my movie, But I'd rather hear it from You then hear it from martin so you need to tell me now. I was honestly completely blown away by the fact that you believed your cousin's words over mine. I did talk to Johnny, I was nice to him, I wasn't "cuddling" with Mike all day and I'm not going out with him. Since I went to Johnny's house, you haven't treated me with the same level of friendship as you had before. Infact, the entire friendship changed after that week, or even the day I got there. I know it's supposedly my fault, but I refuse to take full ownership of it. Shit happens, get over it. Also, what happened between Johnny and I happened between Johnny and I. He expected and lied far to much and, in a summed up version, that's it. I'm actually quite tired of every one blowing everything out of porportion and I've cried allready so it's your call now. But I'm fine with the idea of having my Sister from another Mister out of my life since I've allready had to deal with losing several close friends and the span of a year.And I thought you allready made that choice, judging by tone and attitude in messages and over the phone. No duh shit happens but no what went on with u and johnny didn't jsut happen between you 2.Because Johnny is my family so when shit happens with him and i hear about it it affects and U know if something happens to u i am totally there. And yes I am going to believe because if u don't remeber that week at wendys well that's what johnny told me u were doing to him but with mike and I know u don't like him and kate u aren't miss sun shin with ppl u don't like. Yeah are friendship has changed it's called going through things and working through them and the only reason I believe johnny because I don't really think you're going to wait to go out with and I bloody believe U're going to get fucking hell yeah hurt with that guy. and I was mad when U left that message. You need to learn that when I get mad at u it means that I am not at u not that I fucking hate u and wnat u out of my life. But if u're that ready to end this friendship the bloody say it. Oi and also I was mad at u because I wanted to ask u if u were going out with mike the night johnny told me and I told johnny to tell u to answer ur cell and what I get from u is No. But it's all drama. I was nice to Johnny. He never spoke to me or went in the same room as me. I did show him respect even though he was far from deserving it and just because some one is in your family does not make it right to side with them. If you believe that injustices are being performed and that your realitive has the right to be stood up for than fine, but do not stand up for them based on DNA, but instead on the fact that they have been wronged. To wholey stand beside Johnny is not correct for Johnny is not innocent in the matter. Neither am I, but I am not purely evil either. Honestly, I'm tired of the over dramatic sense of life and even though you say I'm far to dramatic for you I'm nothing in comparison to your reality. I tell you what happens and I rant and etc, but I do it to vent and get over it. I try to not let it follow me and take huge chunks out of my life. Jesus christ, Chantelle. You have meant the world to me and I would do anything in my power to make you happy, but obviously I can't. I know you care for Jeff, I know you like the idea of knowing varied amounts of men and having a sex life to brag about. I know you love completely and lust completely, but I'm actually tired of it. I actually am. You can argue that I'm far more imature than your beloved cousin and far more dramatic than yourself, and I can't change this, but I'm tired of your acusations. So yes, if it would make your relationship with your family stronger and your freedom to be with whatever man you care for, than yes, fuck our friend ship. If not, than cut the dramatic bullshit and if you're pissed at me than stop dodging between then hiding behind shit piles, because it's getting old. First off I never said Johnny was fucking right or that u were pure evil. Yeah I told u I was fucking mad at you and What the fuck does my relationship with guys or my sex life or even fucking Jeff have to do with this. I tell you everything but if u're tired of that then fine I wont tell you shit anymore. And stop trying to but this whole ending this friendship on me I am not the one that has the other blocked am I. I am not the one not returning phone calls or answering the phone. OK I am been trying and you really want to know why I am mad fine. Since Johnny's house I've become second best to u compared to Mike and him and all that. You come out here to hang with me but first it was flirting and everything with Mark and then it was johnny and then mike Jones and now it's Mike c. You came out here to the caribean thing and I let mike sleep over because u like him so much so whatever I could handle one night and then u're like oh i want to see mike agian before I live but I don't want to leave you. Do you know how much fucking time u spent on the phone with him when u were here all together. yeah I get that you love him kate and that's great. I want you to be happy and everytihng but I don't like being second best to a fucking guy when it comes to my best friend. And that's how I've been feeling. I've told you you're not second best! You never were and you never will be. I get bored easily and if I'm not constantly doing something than I don't know what happens cuz I'm always trying to either have a conversation or get out or something like that. When I went to Johnny's, you were quiet so I talked to Mark. Then you were pissed and wouldn't talk to me at all so I hung out with Johnny. When I ask you if something is bothering you than tell the truth! Not let it blow up to something that completely out of porportion. I know I'm horrible when it comes to guys but seriously, when I say you're like my sister I mean it. Nothing can destroy that. Shit it's the same thing over and over again. And I know it's pissing you off but it's pissing me off too! You know why I always have to do something? Whether it's talking to some one, walking around, or hanging out? Cuz I hate contemplating what's going on around me. Every time I come out there it's to hang out with you. Every fucking time! But instead something happens and you get pissed off or distracted or just don't do anything and I go and find something else to do cuz I need to. I've told you this or something along the lines of this. I don't mean to ignore you but if you would say "Hey, let's do this" I would drop everything. If I would ever seem distraught about a guy it has been nothing in comparison to you seeming like you don't want to be around me. Fuck Chantelle, We've had this argument! And my ringer is off on my phone so I can't hear you calling me! It's not diliberate, I just don't answer cuz it doesn't give me a sign. If my mother called me I wouldn't pick it up because it doesn't warn me. If Jesus Christ him self called me I wouldn't pick it up because it doesn't fucking ring, vibrate, light up or even become a weapon of mass destruction and blow a whole through my Large intestines. I don't have a ringer so I can't use all the minutes so I can't get in shit again so I can keep the phone. That's why I ask for people to leave god damn messages! I'm not singling you out, I'm trying to keep the phone so I can continue having a social life and maintain contact With You! You know what. I'm going to walk home now. If you give a shit then leave a message on the phone. I either want a " yes Kate, I would like to maintain this friend ship and I've considered what you've said." That or a " No Kate, I've read what you've said and I feel unfulfilled and you know what? FUCK YOU!" Or something along those lines. Seriously though, I've got enough shit to think through right now and I know you do to so how bout we cut the bullshit and get whatever problems we have over and done with because we both have complicated lives with to much drama woven into them. Ta. Current Mood: very fucking numb Current Music: Superman by Our Lady Peace in head.

July 9th, 2005

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